Shared by
Aly Birmingham Geats
Coach, counsellor and therapist on Sydneys upper North Shore
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Is alcohol essential to the night time economy? | Grog WatchGrog Watch
Is alcohol essential to the night time economy? | Grog WatchGrog Watch
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Mindfulness Practice
Mindfulness Practice
Mindfulness is the energy of being aware and awake to the present moment. It is the continuous practice of touching life deeply in every moment of daily life. To be mindful is to be truly alive, present and at one with those around you and with what you are doing. We bring our body and mind into harmony while we wash the dishes, drive the car or take our morning shower.
In practicing together as a community, our practice of mindfulness becomes more joyful, relaxed and steady. We are bells of mindfulness for each other, supporting and reminding each other along the path of practice. With the support of the community, we can practice to cultivate peace and joy within and around us, as a gift for all of those whom we love and care for. We can cultivate our solidity and freedom – solid in our deepest aspiration and free from our fears, misunderstandings and our suffering.
Let us try to be intelligent and skillful in our practice, approaching every aspect of the practice with curiosity and a sense of search. Let us practice with understanding and not just for the form and appearance. Enjoy your practice with a relaxed and gentle attitude, with an open mind and receptive heart.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Mindfulness and cbt
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/channeln/2012/09/mindfulness-based-cognitive-therapy-video-toolkit/
shared by
Aly Birmingham Geats
Coach, counsellor and therapist on Sydneys upper North Shore
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Myths of Addiction
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It is not uncommon to read the testimonials of those who suffered many years of addiction and claim they found recovery without narcotics anonymous, therapy or any of the usual methods. In fact they claim the seven stints in rehab, years of attendance in AA or NA and CBT therapy were all unsuccessful. Generally these folk are selling something. The fact is recovery from addiction is often a long journey where many tools are gathered along the way and these tools are an essential part of recovery from addiction. Ultimately, these tools and experiences are the cumulative gifts that enable long-term recovery. Each relapse is different and you take what you have learnt while you were clean “this time”.
There is no one size fits all treatment any more than there is an addictive personality. Will power alone is very unlikely to get you clean long term and yes sometimes a family system does, in fact, play a sizable role in enabling an individual’s addiction. The most important things to remember are that people don’t generally stay clean the first time and when they do get time up they need those closest to them to get help and support for themselves. Many times individuals come home after rehab to a family that is still functioning in an unhealthy state and end up relapsing. Addiction both affects and infects the whole family system.
There is no one profile of who will experience problems with substance abuse or addiction of any kind yet many treatments attempt to put forward one guaranteed method to cure addiction. This is simply not possible. There is a combination of factors involved with each and every individual who develops problematic addictions or dependencies and this combination will influence the efficacy of treatment. These are known as the bio, psycho, social factors. Personality type, family history – both genetic and family environment, social environment such as friends or community and levels of psychological functioning particularly in areas of depression and anxiety. For example a person with high sensitivity and introversion, family history of compulsive or addictive issues (siblings, parents, grandparents), community with high acceptance of substance abuse and high unemployment and adolescent depression is at high risk. We at Northern Beaches Counselling Support have named this as the perfect storm. Each factor needs to be addressed with a client in an assessment in order for a treatment plan to be formed that will create maximum opportunities for change. There is no point in utilising AA as a part of a treatment plan for someone with social anxiety or arranging for a four week detox and rehab for a client who has been coerced by their parents to speak to you and has expressed no concerns in regards to their drug or alcohol use. Motivational Therapy would be a more productive choice for their initial treatment which would then lead to a more formal treatment plan.
Using only one treatment modality will loose many opportunities to assist clients at potentially high cost to both them and their families and is a dangerous and often ego- driven practice.
Aly Birmingham Geats BA Psych, Cert AOD (Dist). PostGrad Dip. Health (Dist.)
Advice from an Addict
Excerpt from "advice from an addict" Aly Birmingham Geats
" I knew my parents loved me and I had their loving support for me as a person and a needed that. Another thing I wanted was for them to listen to my bull-shit stories about why I needed money desperately and then give me that money so I could score and not feel sick anymore - I needed them to help me keep using. I didn't want them to help me get treatment and I didn't want to know about their pain - my own pain was all I could deal with and in my selfish addicted state I just didn't want to/ couldn't bear to, hear it.
I know the money didn't help me get clean and thankfully they eventually just stopped giving it to me. What I always knew even when I was completely fucking mad, was that when I'd had enough I could pick up the phone and my dad would be there. Eventually, thats what I did. "
So, Families and Friends.......It can just be a dinner, shower, bed and hugs that you offer but the hard part is when they want to go and then ask for money - for me, the answer always has to be no. If they want to move home and keep using, for me again the answer would be no. They are choices that I could feel most comfortable with but everyone has to make up their own mind on how to choose from a bunch of hideous options and you just do the best you can. There is no one answer, no one treatment, no one path that this disease takes. I know an addict has a huge advantage when they have people loving him and they know it but that doesn't mean you have to support their using. Your job is mostly to look after yourself. Look up the "cycles of change" and you will see you are both going through a process - at the same time but not together.
And trust me on these two points - discomfort is a great inspiration to get clean. Don't relieve the pressure and let them feel the consequences of their using - if there are no consequences then where is the motivation to stop using? Rehabs do work better when you really want it but every rehab you do teaches you something and may just set you up for the next time and generally there is at least one or two "next times" - don't ever loose hope. Aly
Aly Birmingham
Geats BA Psych, Cert AOD (Dist).
www.drugandalcoholinfo.com
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
SETTING BOUNDARIES (excerpt from) FAMILY DRUG SUPPORT - SUPPORT LINE 1300 368 186 (24 Hrs)
BOUNDARY SETTING
One of the areas that families of substance users have difficulty with is in setting boundaries that are effective and manageable.
All relationships where people live together need boundaries in place to develop trust, stability and respect within the relationship.
Effective boundaries give a sense of security and respect.
When a substance user lives in a household, boundaries often get stretched to the limit or even broken down completely – giving the family members a sense of helplessness. One mother said “It was like our home had been taken over by a tyrant. We all had to walk around on egg shells while he did whatever he wanted, if anyone said anything he threatened suicide or moving out onto the streets”.
Family members firstly need to remember who pays the rent, the mortgage or owns the house. While giving away power through fear or threats it’s not effective and will only lead to more chaos and anxiety. The truth is that the drug user would be at a disadvantage without a place to stay. They usually know this very well.
There are three stages to effective boundary setting:-
- Defining the boundary and consequences that everyone agrees on and can live with.
- Setting the boundary and communicating the understanding of all parties.
- Keeping the boundary.
Action learning is a useful concept here because the truth is that boundaries need setting and modifying many times. So there is a constant process of setting, reviewing, modifying and re-setting. So it is always important that you don’t see boundaries as totally set in concrete.
Why set boundaries?
- They encourage the drug user to take more responsibility for their behaviour.
- They help the drug user become aware that their behaviour impacts on those around them.
- They model a healthy and safe way for people to co-exist, even when there are difficulties.
- They help the whole family to minimise the harm and negative impact of substance use and the attendant behaviours.
- They help break down the negative roles that members get stuck in i.e. mothers rescuing users, users relying on others to accommodate them, fathers getting angry etc.
Remember the key FDS principle- you can never change anyone else no matter how much you want to. What you do have total control over is you, your behaviour and how you respond to situations. The great thing about this is that if you do change yourself it may then provoke change in the other.
Stage 1 – Defining the boundary.
- What is the issue, circumstance, area of concern?
- What do you need to achieve?
- Examine your motive in wanting to set this boundary. Is it in response to clear thinking about an area of concern or is it an angry response to a set of circumstances?
- If the person wasn’t using substances would you accept the behaviour? In other words it is important not to treat people differently just because they are substance users.
- Know the distinction between them as a person and their behaviour. Even ‘I’ statements can be phased in more positive ways on occasion. Note the difference between –
‘I don’t want you living at home when you’re using!’
‘I don’t want you to use drugs in our home!’
- Is the boundary encouraging them to be responsible for their life, the choices they made, their behaviour and the impact on those around them or is it just treating them like a child?
- What are the risks of the boundary for everyone involved?
Using the ‘using at home’ example, the home and people within it may be safer if there is no use at home but the user may be at more risk if they then use outside the home. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer. Options and consequences have to be considered and each family may take different approaches. Child safety and protection should always be a serious consideration. The rights of young children need to be the most important element.
- Set clear consequences for what happens if the boundary is breached. Consequences should be negotiated together including the substance user and may be graded from mild to severe. Consequences need to be appropriate to the breach and everyone needs to be able to live with them. Any action tied up in the consequence needs to come from you – the user may not be ‘made’ to do something.
Example:-
“Because you used at home twice last week I am going to look for alternative living arrangements for you “– rather then “Because you used drugs last week you now have to go into rehab”?
- How will you ‘measure’ if the boundary has been kept?
- Is there a time limit on the boundary or does it goes on indefinitely?
- How often and when will you review the boundary?
- What flexibly – and it will help if there is some – will be made for changes in circumstances?
- When and where will the boundary be set and commence?
- Other family members of an appropriate age who live in the home should be party to the agreement partly to prevent ‘divide and rule’ circumstances. It will be no good setting a boundary where key people are not involved disagree with the boundary.
- Is the boundary realistic at the moment in the currant circumstances?
- Can a win/win be achieved? In other words, set the boundary in a way that you, the other family members and the drug user gain something from keeping the boundary. Boundaries set as revenge or to express your anger or to punish the drug user are doomed to failure.
- When will the boundary commence? Immediately or is there a need for a commencement date?
- How will you get support from within yourself or from others to be able to set and keep the boundary? How will you deal with harmful feelings and other issues that may arise? Support groups can be very important for supporting you.
- Remember we live in the real world and not a fantasy one. The choice of a boundary is likely to be a compromise rather then the ideal you might like.
- Be prepared to reward the drug user for respecting and keeping the boundary. They often don’t get ‘pay offs’ and it will encourage them if they see that keeping the boundary is appreciated.
- Prepare and rehearse the discussion on setting the boundary. Imagine their likely response. Be prepared for negative reactions. Use ‘I’ statements. Rehearse the conversation going the way you would like it to.
- Remember your needs are equal to not greater or less then those of others. Your needs are worth respecting and you are entitled to set and have boundaries kept.
Take your time and get it right. You can’t change other people but you can change your response to them – which may in turn invite them to change.
Setting a Boundary
Having thought about the boundary you would like to set and prepared to talk about it, the next thing is to set it with the substance user. The skill to utilise is negotiation. It is important to build and maintain a dialogue between the user and other family members – this will work well if negotiation skills are utilised.
Effective dialogue involves:
- Listening to each other
- Being open and honest
- Respecting the other person – not necessarily liking their behaviour.
- Accepting and understanding their point of view – even when you don’t agree.
- Use ‘I’ statement. Start every thing you say with ‘I’. I think, I believe, I feel, I would like etc.
- Take responsibility for your actions and contribution to the situation.
- Not taking responsibility for other people’s behaviour, actions and choices.
- Acknowledging both your own feelings and the other person’s feelings.
- Appropriately expressing your feelings e.g.” I am really angry that you are using in front of your brothers” rather than exploding and becoming aggressive.
- Recognising the need for all to exercise their rights and responsibilities.
- Work to collaborate rather than confront.
- Stay calm and focused on the task of setting the boundary even if the user loses control. Modelling appropriate behaviour may bring them back on track.
Effective dialogue builds trust, which can lead to people taking more risks with being honest, open and taking responsibility.
Using the transactional analysis model we are trying to work with Adult to Adult dialogue rather than Parent to Child or Child to Child dialogues.
Developing effective negotiation skills.
- Always look for win/win outcomes.
- Asking for what you want – not demanding or avoiding asking
- Acknowledge power differences between you and the drug user.
- Checking their response to your request and how they feel about it.
- Not making assumptions regarding their feelings, thoughts or desires.
- Collaborating and being flexible. Being prepared to give some ground and compromise.
- Holding onto what is really important while being willing to let go of what is not important.
- Start easy and if necessary finish strong. Use your negotiation skills and then move onto imposition if necessary.
- Agreeing the terms of the boundary – when will it start, when you will review it and the consequences of the breach of the boundary. Make sure the substance user is fully involved and understands what the consequences will be.
- Make a clear agreement of what has been decided.
When dialogue and negotiation doesn’t work
This maybe means that the first boundary to ask for is that there is to be dialogue and negotiation.
If your attempts to achieve negotiation have not worked you may then have to impose it. This can be done verbally and/or in writing e.g.
‘I notice that whenever I try to discuss your drug using in the house you seem unwilling to talk about it. I tried to talk to you twice last week and you said “later mum” but it still hasn’t happened. I cannot stop you using drugs even though I don’t like it and am fearful of about what might happen. I am worried that something illegal is happening in our house but am particularly concerned that you do it even when your young brother and sister are here. I assume now that you are unwilling to co-operate with me on this and therefore as a consequence I am not going to buy food or cook meals for your. Further, I have said that if there is one more instance of your siblings seeing you use I will have to ask you to leave. I regret it has come to this and would prefer it if we could now have an open discussion about your drug use and the impact on the family. I love you and will continue to no matter what and I will continue to have contact with you!
You will note that this letter:-
- Addresses their behaviour rather then attacks them as a person
- Gives the impact of the broken boundary
- Uses ‘I’ statements and not ‘you’ statements
- Asks for the boundary to be respected
- Is honest, open, direct and assertive
- Is not aggressive
- Is balanced
- Sets out the boundary clearly as well as the consequences for breaking it.
- It leaves things open for further discussion, dialogue and negotiation
- It gives the substance user responsibility for their behaviour and the choice they made
Communicating this way has three benefits. You get to say what is important to you and you say it in a way that is easier for the other person to hear. It also models good communication to the other person.
Keeping a boundary
The last stage in the process is keeping the boundary.
This is done by:-
- Observing if the boundary is being kept
- Acknowledging that it is being kept or if it is broken
- Responding appropriately if it is broken
If a boundary is broken
You can expect boundaries to be broken by substance users – especially when they are first put in place. They will often react to changes by pushing you and other family members to previous ways of behaving. They will probably be less motivated to change then you are. They will also usually hope that you will be unable to keep boundaries in place based on their previous experience of you giving way.
If a boundary is broken you need to respond quickly, appropriately and assertively.
How to do it?
The first step is to recognise and acknowledge that it has happened. Then take a step back as you consider your response. It is really important to take time to consider everything rather then reacting from feelings of frustration and anger.
Responses:-
- I believe our agreed boundary regarding -------------------- has been broken.
- I feel -------------------------- about this
- We need to discuss this. (You may need to negotiate whether right now is the time to have a discussion or to set a more appropriate time)
In making your initial statement you need to include:-
- What behaviour is unreasonable (focus on behaviour not them as a person)
- What your feeling is about the behaviour (feeling not blaming response)
- Say what you want to do now or re-state the boundary.
For example – “When you broke the agreement about using in front of your brother I felt let down, sad and angry. I ask again that you honour our agreement”.
It may be necessary then to re-state and/or renegotiate the boundary.
You also then need to implement the consequence for breaking the boundary. It is really important that you don’t let them off the hook for the consequences.
You may need to develop a ‘broken record’ technique – especially if they become defensive or start justifying their actions i.e. “Yes I hear what you are saying about why this happened but I still need you to keep to the agreed boundary”!
It is important to comment on disparages in the drug users words and their behaviour – example – “I notice that every time something like this happens you always say sorry but then you carry on as if we didn’t have an agreement”.
You should then request that things be put right – repay money taken, apology to an affected family member, repair damaged property etc.
Be consistent
When making the above statement it is important to remember a few things because as with any new skill it needs to be developed, practised and refined.
Be assertive but not aggressive. Begin with the word ‘I’, maintain eye contact, speak from the same level – don’t stand over them, avoid pointing, jabbing your finger or raising your voice.
Be prepared for them to try and put you off track, appeal to your emotions, argue, get angry etc. You may even need to have another person as a mediator or negotiator but if you do it is important that they trust the other party and the other party doesn’t take sides.
You are neither all powerful nor powerless. You do have influence and you do have bargaining power. You can ask for what you want, say no to what you don’t want and invite them to do the same.
If they apologise, be gracious but consider both their words and how they say it. Actions speak louder than words though.
Support for you
Setting boundaries and changing your relationship with a drug user is difficult. It is especially hard if you are isolated and unsupported. Getting other family members positively involved is extremely important. Otherwise using the FDS support line 1300 386 186, going to FDS or other support groups or even discussing things with a counsellor can be very helpful and empowering.
Check out the website of Adfam, UK. Adfam is a similar organisation to Family Drug Support in the United Kingdom and they do excellent work there supporting families of drug users.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Hi All,
We have had a huge time changing our place of healing as well as changes to our individual websites and blogs. So here we are all fresh and new! Please take a look at our new online places where we are packing loads of information and support resources.
www.northernbeachescounsellingsupport.com.au
www.drugandalcoholinfo.com
www.alybirminghamgeats.wix.com/practitioner
We have had a huge time changing our place of healing as well as changes to our individual websites and blogs. So here we are all fresh and new! Please take a look at our new online places where we are packing loads of information and support resources.
www.northernbeachescounsellingsupport.com.au
www.drugandalcoholinfo.com
www.alybirminghamgeats.wix.com/practitioner
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