All things Alcohol, Drugs and Mental Health: July 2013

BOUNDARY SETTING

One of the areas that families of substance users have difficulty with is in setting boundaries that are effective and manageable.

All relationships where people live together need boundaries in place to develop trust, stability and respect within the relationship.

Effective boundaries give a sense of security and respect.

When a substance user lives in a household, boundaries often get stretched to the limit or even broken down completely – giving the family members a sense of helplessness. One mother said “It was like our home had been taken over by a tyrant. We all had to walk around on egg shells while he did whatever he wanted, if anyone said anything he threatened suicide or moving out onto the streets”.

Family members firstly need to remember who pays the rent, the mortgage or owns the house. While giving away power through fear or threats it’s not effective and will only lead to more chaos and anxiety. The truth is that the drug user would be at a disadvantage without a place to stay. They usually know this very well.

There are three stages to effective boundary setting:-

Defining the boundary and consequences that everyone agrees on and can live with.

Setting the boundary and communicating the understanding of all parties.

Keeping the boundary.

Action learning is a useful concept here because the truth is that boundaries need setting and modifying many times. So there is a constant process of setting, reviewing, modifying and re-setting. So it is always important that you don’t see boundaries as totally set in concrete.

Why set boundaries?

They encourage the drug user to take more responsibility for their behaviour.
They help the drug user become aware that their behaviour impacts on those around them.
They model a healthy and safe way for people to co-exist, even when there are difficulties.
They help the whole family to minimise the harm and negative impact of substance use and the attendant behaviours.
They help break down the negative roles that members get stuck in i.e. mothers rescuing users, users relying on others to accommodate them, fathers getting angry etc.

Remember the key FDS principle- you can never change anyone else no matter how much you want to. What you do have total control over is you, your behaviour and how you respond to situations. The great thing about this is that if you do change yourself it may then provoke change in the other.

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Stage 1 – Defining the boundary.

What is the issue, circumstance, area of concern?
What do you need to achieve?
Examine your motive in wanting to set this boundary. Is it in response to clear thinking about an area of concern or is it an angry response to a set of circumstances?
If the person wasn’t using substances would you accept the behaviour? In other words it is important not to treat people differently just because they are substance users.
Know the distinction between them as a person and their behaviour. Even ‘I’ statements can be phased in more positive ways on occasion. Note the difference between –

‘I don’t want you living at home when you’re using!’

‘I don’t want you to use drugs in our home!’

Is the boundary encouraging them to be responsible for their life, the choices they made, their behaviour and the impact on those around them or is it just treating them like a child?
What are the risks of the boundary for everyone involved?

Using the ‘using at home’ example, the home and people within it may be safer if there is no use at home but the user may be at more risk if they then use outside the home. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer. Options and consequences have to be considered and each family may take different approaches. Child safety and protection should always be a serious consideration. The rights of young children need to be the most important element.

Set clear consequences for what happens if the boundary is breached. Consequences should be negotiated together including the substance user and may be graded from mild to severe. Consequences need to be appropriate to the breach and everyone needs to be able to live with them. Any action tied up in the consequence needs to come from you – the user may not be ‘made’ to do something.

Example:-

“Because you used at home twice last week I am going to look for alternative living arrangements for you “– rather then “Because you used drugs last week you now have to go into rehab”?

How will you ‘measure’ if the boundary has been kept?
Is there a time limit on the boundary or does it goes on indefinitely?
How often and when will you review the boundary?
What flexibly – and it will help if there is some – will be made for changes in circumstances?
When and where will the boundary be set and commence?
Other family members of an appropriate age who live in the home should be party to the agreement partly to prevent ‘divide and rule’ circumstances. It will be no good setting a boundary where key people are not involved disagree with the boundary.
Is the boundary realistic at the moment in the currant circumstances?
Can a win/win be achieved? In other words, set the boundary in a way that you, the other family members and the drug user gain something from keeping the boundary. Boundaries set as revenge or to express your anger or to punish the drug user are doomed to failure.
When will the boundary commence? Immediately or is there a need for a commencement date?
How will you get support from within yourself or from others to be able to set and keep the boundary? How will you deal with harmful feelings and other issues that may arise? Support groups can be very important for supporting you.
Remember we live in the real world and not a fantasy one. The choice of a boundary is likely to be a compromise rather then the ideal you might like.
Be prepared to reward the drug user for respecting and keeping the boundary. They often don’t get ‘pay offs’ and it will encourage them if they see that keeping the boundary is appreciated.
Prepare and rehearse the discussion on setting the boundary. Imagine their likely response. Be prepared for negative reactions. Use ‘I’ statements. Rehearse the conversation going the way you would like it to.
Remember your needs are equal to not greater or less then those of others. Your needs are worth respecting and you are entitled to set and have boundaries kept.

Take your time and get it right. You can’t change other people but you can change your response to them – which may in turn invite them to change.

Setting a Boundary

Having thought about the boundary you would like to set and prepared to talk about it, the next thing is to set it with the substance user. The skill to utilise is negotiation. It is important to build and maintain a dialogue between the user and other family members – this will work well if negotiation skills are utilised.

Effective dialogue involves:

Listening to each other
Being open and honest
Respecting the other person – not necessarily liking their behaviour.
Accepting and understanding their point of view – even when you don’t agree.
Use ‘I’ statement. Start every thing you say with ‘I’. I think, I believe, I feel, I would like etc.
Take responsibility for your actions and contribution to the situation.
Not taking responsibility for other people’s behaviour, actions and choices.
Acknowledging both your own feelings and the other person’s feelings.
Appropriately expressing your feelings e.g.” I am really angry that you are using in front of your brothers” rather than exploding and becoming aggressive.
Recognising the need for all to exercise their rights and responsibilities.
Work to collaborate rather than confront.
Stay calm and focused on the task of setting the boundary even if the user loses control. Modelling appropriate behaviour may bring them back on track.

Effective dialogue builds trust, which can lead to people taking more risks with being honest, open and taking responsibility.

Using the transactional analysis model we are trying to work with Adult to Adult dialogue rather than Parent to Child or Child to Child dialogues.

Developing effective negotiation skills.

Always look for win/win outcomes.
Asking for what you want – not demanding or avoiding asking
Acknowledge power differences between you and the drug user.
Checking their response to your request and how they feel about it.
Not making assumptions regarding their feelings, thoughts or desires.
Collaborating and being flexible. Being prepared to give some ground and compromise.
Holding onto what is really important while being willing to let go of what is not important.
Start easy and if necessary finish strong. Use your negotiation skills and then move onto imposition if necessary.

Agreeing the terms of the boundary – when will it start, when you will review it and the consequences of the breach of the boundary. Make sure the substance user is fully involved and understands what the consequences will be.
Make a clear agreement of what has been decided.

When dialogue and negotiation doesn’t work

This maybe means that the first boundary to ask for is that there is to be dialogue and negotiation.

If your attempts to achieve negotiation have not worked you may then have to impose it. This can be done verbally and/or in writing e.g.

‘I notice that whenever I try to discuss your drug using in the house you seem unwilling to talk about it. I tried to talk to you twice last week and you said “later mum” but it still hasn’t happened. I cannot stop you using drugs even though I don’t like it and am fearful of about what might happen. I am worried that something illegal is happening in our house but am particularly concerned that you do it even when your young brother and sister are here. I assume now that you are unwilling to co-operate with me on this and therefore as a consequence I am not going to buy food or cook meals for your. Further, I have said that if there is one more instance of your siblings seeing you use I will have to ask you to leave. I regret it has come to this and would prefer it if we could now have an open discussion about your drug use and the impact on the family. I love you and will continue to no matter what and I will continue to have contact with you!

You will note that this letter:-

Addresses their behaviour rather then attacks them as a person
Gives the impact of the broken boundary
Uses ‘I’ statements and not ‘you’ statements
Asks for the boundary to be respected
Is honest, open, direct and assertive
Is not aggressive
Is balanced
Sets out the boundary clearly as well as the consequences for breaking it.
It leaves things open for further discussion, dialogue and negotiation
It gives the substance user responsibility for their behaviour and the choice they made

Communicating this way has three benefits. You get to say what is important to you and you say it in a way that is easier for the other person to hear. It also models good communication to the other person.

Keeping a boundary

The last stage in the process is keeping the boundary.

This is done by:-

Observing if the boundary is being kept
Acknowledging that it is being kept or if it is broken
Responding appropriately if it is broken

If a boundary is broken

You can expect boundaries to be broken by substance users – especially when they are first put in place. They will often react to changes by pushing you and other family members to previous ways of behaving. They will probably be less motivated to change then you are. They will also usually hope that you will be unable to keep boundaries in place based on their previous experience of you giving way.

If a boundary is broken you need to respond quickly, appropriately and assertively.

How to do it?

The first step is to recognise and acknowledge that it has happened. Then take a step back as you consider your response. It is really important to take time to consider everything rather then reacting from feelings of frustration and anger.

Responses:-

I believe our agreed boundary regarding -------------------- has been broken.
I feel -------------------------- about this
We need to discuss this. (You may need to negotiate whether right now is the time to have a discussion or to set a more appropriate time)

In making your initial statement you need to include:-

What behaviour is unreasonable (focus on behaviour not them as a person)
What your feeling is about the behaviour (feeling not blaming response)
Say what you want to do now or re-state the boundary.

For example – “When you broke the agreement about using in front of your brother I felt let down, sad and angry. I ask again that you honour our agreement”.

It may be necessary then to re-state and/or renegotiate the boundary.

You also then need to implement the consequence for breaking the boundary. It is really important that you don’t let them off the hook for the consequences.

You may need to develop a ‘broken record’ technique – especially if they become defensive or start justifying their actions i.e. “Yes I hear what you are saying about why this happened but I still need you to keep to the agreed boundary”!

It is important to comment on disparages in the drug users words and their behaviour – example – “I notice that every time something like this happens you always say sorry but then you carry on as if we didn’t have an agreement”.

You should then request that things be put right – repay money taken, apology to an affected family member, repair damaged property etc.

Be consistent

When making the above statement it is important to remember a few things because as with any new skill it needs to be developed, practised and refined.

Be assertive but not aggressive. Begin with the word ‘I’, maintain eye contact, speak from the same level – don’t stand over them, avoid pointing, jabbing your finger or raising your voice.

Be prepared for them to try and put you off track, appeal to your emotions, argue, get angry etc. You may even need to have another person as a mediator or negotiator but if you do it is important that they trust the other party and the other party doesn’t take sides.

You are neither all powerful nor powerless. You do have influence and you do have bargaining power. You can ask for what you want, say no to what you don’t want and invite them to do the same.

If they apologise, be gracious but consider both their words and how they say it. Actions speak louder than words though.

Support for you

Setting boundaries and changing your relationship with a drug user is difficult. It is especially hard if you are isolated and unsupported. Getting other family members positively involved is extremely important. Otherwise using the FDS support line 1300 386 186, going to FDS or other support groups or even discussing things with a counsellor can be very helpful and empowering.

Check out the website of Adfam, UK. Adfam is a similar organisation to Family Drug Support in the United Kingdom and they do excellent work there supporting families of drug users.